Polyamory is not a love RAID
This article is meant to inform those who are not polyamorous about what I believe polyamory is about.
The technical definition of polyamory is “Many Loves” where poly means many and amour refers to love.
People who identify as polyamorus generally have multiple partners and often complex relationship structures.
this article is not a story on why I became polyamorous although if there is interest I can certainly post that story here from my perspective. It explains my original motivations about becoming poly and what has changed over the years.
This article is here to combat a few things that are often said to me about beeing poly, and share my viewpoints on them.
One of the disturbing things that was recently said to me was that my poly relationships are a love RAID.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with what RAID is I point you at the wikipedia article at
In summary RAID is a storage virtualization technology that uses multiple disk drives to provide data redundancy in the case of a disk failure.
If a drive fails in a RAID array the system will continue to operate and rebuild the array when the drive is replaced.
Comparing my multiple relationships to a RAID array is rather insulting both to me personally and to my partners and here is why.
In a RAID array drives are basically interchangeable and when a drive fails you just replace it with another of the same capacity.
All of my partners bring different strengths and skills into my life. I pick my partners because of their indevidual traits and the things that I love about them.
Each person is unique, indevidual and special to me in their own way.
Each partner brings something indevidual and special to my life and experiences.
All relationships have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Losing any partner from my life, or the ability to openly show affection to any partner is always an extremely difficult thing for anyone to deal with.
As each person is indevidual, a loss of any kind brings its own unique pain and challenges.
Whilst my other partners provide a support network and do their best to help me to get through adversity, any loss is keenly felt by me, and I must do my best to work through the grief.
No partner can be replaced by any mix of other partners, regardless of how hard they may wish to do this.
Poly is all about getting more notches on the bedpost.
This is a commonly held belief by many people that polyamory and or swinging is just about getting as much sex with people as you possibly can.
In my case I have 2 separate groups of people I am with.
1 group of people are play partners, and this is made abundantly clear to them. Of course it is always possible for someone to move from the play group into the relationship group as things change.
People in the relationship group are those who are in a relationship with me.
These are people who are close to me, and have a long-term special involvement with me.
People in the relationship group often share in my struggles and help me get through challenges in my life helping out where they can.
Whilst losing a play partner is certainly a cause of pain, the pain from losing someone out of a relationship is far more immediate, sharp and difficult to deal with.
Pure swinging (the idea of sleeping with multiple partners for sex) pre-supposes that long-term bonds are not formed with these people.
One logically has to ask the question, if these encounters are short-term, what is the bennifit in putting all the extra effort into building trust and a relationship is necessary.
Trust is important in any relationship, however people who are in relationships generally have much more access to me and my private information.
Trust tends to be far deeper with those who are in a relationship with me to enhance and strengthen the bonds of that relationship.
All of the people that I am involved in are important to me, especially those who I am conducting a relationship with; and I treat these people and situations with the seriousness that they deserve.
If anyone has any questions or wants me to write more on anything or something else please say so in the comments.